Chapter 12: Finally in Control

Leaving Oakland wasn’t easy, but I knew if I wanted something different for my children, I had to make a different choice. For so long I had lived my life reacting to whatever happened next. The streets made the decisions, and I just learned how to survive them. But once I became pregnant with my first daughter, something shifted inside of me. For the first time, I wasn’t just thinking about me anymore. I had someone depending on me before she even took her first breath my twin my Minnie me.

I remember looking at my life and asking myself, “If I stay here, what kind of life am I bringing my daughter into?” I already knew the answer because I had lived it.

Leaving meant walking away from everything I had ever known. My family was in Oakland. My memories were in Oakland. Even with all the pain, it was still home. But I also knew home was becoming a place that could bury me instead of build me.

Before I left, I asked my brother to come with me to Stockton. He had already told me about the situation he was caught up in, and something in my spirit told me he needed a fresh start too. I begged him to leave with me, but he didn’t want to leave our mom. No matter what was going on, that was still his mother.

Not long after, everything changed.

The situation caught up with him, and he ended up going to prison for murder. Watching my brother disappear into the system at just 17 broke something inside of me. I still think about that conversation sometimes and wonder what life would’ve looked like if he had just made that choice and left with me.

Around that same time, it felt like my family started falling apart in a way I couldn’t fix. I didn’t lose my mom, but I felt like I was losing pieces of her little by little.

After everything we had been through—the shootings, the trauma, and losing my cousin while we were all out at a club, something in her changed. (That is a story I’ll share later because it was one of those moments that changed all of us forever.)

My mom had been through so much, and it felt like the pain started taking parts of her away. Then she met Tim. At first, I didn’t understand everything that was happening, but over time I watched her become someone I barely recognized. He was controlling, he drank heavily, and he was abusive.

It was like watching my mother slowly fade away right in front of me.

The woman who had always been strong was now fighting battles I couldn’t fight for her. I wanted to save her. I wanted to bring her back to the person I knew. But I was young, pregnant, trying to save myself, and trying to build a different life for my children.

That was one of the hardest things to accept—sometimes you can love someone deeply and still not be able to rescue them from the things they are battling inside.

Meanwhile, I was in Stockton trying to figure out how to become a mother while I was still growing up myself.

Life had finally gotten quiet.

No police knocking at my door.

No constant chaos.

No looking over my shoulder every day.

Just me, my pregnancy, and a chance to build something different.

It almost felt strange because I had gotten so used to surviving that peace didn’t even feel normal.

While I was about six months pregnant, I met Trey. Meeting him wasn’t something I was looking for, but life has a way of introducing people when you least expect it. He accepted me while I was pregnant, and that meant more than people probably realize. He loved my daughter from the beginning and became a good father to her. For the first time in a long time, I felt like maybe life was finally giving me a chance.

He cooked, he cleaned, and he loved my son like he was his own. He would run me baths, rub my stomach and my feet, and take care of me in ways I had never experienced before. It was one of the best feelings I had ever felt. For once, I felt loved for exactly who I was—not for what I could do, not for what I had, but simply for me.

Meanwhile, while I was in Stockton trying to figure out how to become a mother while I was still growing up myself.

Life had finally gotten quiet.

No police knocking at my door.

No constant chaos.

No looking over my shoulder every day.

Just me, my pregnancy, and a chance to build something different.

It almost felt strange because I had gotten so used to surviving that peace didn’t even feel normal.

While I was about six months pregnant, I met Trey. Meeting him wasn’t something I was looking for, but life has a way of introducing people when you least expect it. He accepted me while I was pregnant, and that meant more than people probably realize. He loved my daughter from the beginning and became a good father to her. For the first time in a long time, I felt like maybe life was finally giving me a chance.

After my daughter was born, I moved to Sacramento and stayed with Trey’s mom. It wasn’t glamorous, but it was stability, and at that point stability meant everything to me.

Reality came fast.

Trey was young, and even though he loved his daughter, he wasn’t ready for all the responsibilities that came with being a father. I found myself carrying more than I expected. I was holding our little family together the best way I knew how. There were days I felt like I was raising a baby while still trying to raise myself.